OK, I’ll admit it. It might sound tragically un-cool, but …
… I don’t like the color grey in my home!
I’ve tried. Really, I have. I bought grey bedding (hated it), grey placemats (nope, couldn’t do it), and even a grey journal (didn’t use it…had to let it go). Once, I considered painting my bathroom grey; the mere thought of it still depresses me!
I wanted to be slick and modern and cool (and you need grey for that, right?) but every grey thing I bought just made my mood nosedive.
Please note: this is an utterly personal preference. If you love grey, and it makes you happy/inspired/creative/melancholy-in-a-happy-way….Wahoo! I applaud you. (And if I ever receive a beautiful grey throw pillow as a gift, I’ll happily pass it your way.)
One day, I finally put grey on my “not under this roof” list. And it freed me up to focus on what I really did want and love. I need warm, bright colors and clean whites to bring the sunshine inside and make me feel like myself.
Here’s the jewel hiding in the mud: admitting what I didn’t like helped me embrace what I love.
Oooooh. Can I say that again?
Knowing what you don’t like can lead to what you love.
Now, focusing on what you don’t like might seem overly negative. A little silly, even. But after so many years of fighting it, I’ve discovered that identifying what you don’t like is a universal, ultra-helpful, and tragically overlooked backdoor to discovering what you love.
When I shop with clients, we frequently spend the first half of the day hopping from boutique to boutique, sifting through throw pillows and lamps while they admit, “Hmmmm. Well — not quite.”
And they often feel sheepish, guilty, or ashamed that they don’t like those Tiffany lamps or sequined throw pillows. But I’m not having it!
Saying no is an essential skill in creating an
authentic life and home you love.
Here’s why:
1. Saying No Focuses Your Energy
If I admit that I don’t want to live in the city, my apartment search just got a lot easier. And when I realize I’m not comfortable in a first-floor apartment, I can narrow my search even further. Admitting that you don’t want or like certain things actually saves you time, effort, and money.
2. Understanding Your No Takes You One Step Closer To Yes
You don’t want that huge sectional sofa. So you ask yourself why, and realize you don’t want it to take over the whole living room. But you’d still love a sleeper sofa. Great! Now, we can start looking for petite, pretty sofas that have a pullout bed.
3. Claiming Your No Boosts Your Confidence
If you feel a no, admit it. Trust it. Celebrate it, even! Please be honest with yourself, and resist the urge to talk yourself into something you don’t really love (grey sheets, anyone?). When you listen to your no, and claim it, you’re forging a stronger bond with yourself — and with that deep, authentic place within you, where you know what your yes is and can act on it. Commit to trusting yourself, finding your yes, and be willing to wait for it. Because a lukewarm yes won’t get you any closer to the life + home you want.
A strong no will take you farther than a weak yes. – Click to Tweet
4. Ignoring Your No Is A Subtle Form Of Self-Betrayal
When you settle for something (a chair, sweater, sweetie, or job) that doesn’t light you up, but is “close enough,” what hidden belief is really in charge?
“I don’t deserve what I want.”
“What I want doesn’t exist.”
“I’m not worth the effort/time/money.”
And on and on and on.
The messages that make us settle for “good enough” will be a little different for each of us, so take the time to see what yours are. Why are you rushing to fill this space? Why are you settling, really?
Taking the time to find something that really, deeply thrills us is no easy task. It requires patience + a whole lot of determination. (And, of course: you needn’t feel paralyzed waiting for The Perfect Chair — it’s wonderful to experiment and play with different options!)
Claiming your no isn’t just indulging in negativity. It’s a meaningful practice that leads you home to your yes.
TAKE ACTION!
In the comments below, tell me: What’s one thing in your life that’s not totally right? (Something you flat-out hate or just feel “meh” about.) When you tune into that no, what can you find out about your yes?
If you found this useful please share it with your family and friends to spread the love.
And stay tuned for an up coming post… If you’ve held out for Mr. Right (sofa/chair/home/artwork), I’ll share with you 11 ways to make that big ticket purchase (nearly) stress-free.
If haven’t already, be sure to subscribe to my newsletter (at the top right of this page) so you don’t miss a post! We have a beautiful growing community and would to have you join us!
Sending love,
Rebecca
The Mother Rising Show is all about empowering women who are going through, have gone through or are considering divorce, to take charge of their health and happiness through supportive mental, emotional, spiritual and physical practices.
Host Margaret Jacobson, and her co-host Pamela Elaine Nichols are such lovely women and we had a wonderful connection and conversation.
We talked about…
- The healing power of beauty
- The importance of creating a sense of “cocoon” when going through transitional or challenging times.
- And how changing your space does not have to be a big expensive endeavor, but instead can be one where you can edit and/or repurpose what you already have.
Sending Love,
Rebecca
Has this ever happened to you?
You see a cute picture on Pinterest, sink into an exquisite armchair, or read an interesting article about authentic design … and suddenly you feel a surge of inspiration. Yes, you think. I will create a whole new home — one that reflects the REAL me. It will be elegant and meaningful and have a space for my painting and a tiny Buddha and those adorable Mason jar candlelights. And then … Thud. Paralysis hits. You’re stuck on that ugly green couch, spinning your wheels, too overwhelmed to move forward. Ugh!
Paralysis strikes the best of us, and can show up in a variety of ways:
- Feeling trapped in a fog of indecision.
- Obsessing over “this one or that one?!”…“keep it or toss it?!” dilemmas.
- Flying from website to website (or store to store), desperately looking for the “right” couch/curtains/rug, feeling tense and anxious the whole time. (Confession: this is how paralysis shows up for me!)
- Getting overwhelmed, saying “forget it,” and abandoning your design project, Haagen-Dazs in hand.
If paralysis has you stuck in it’s web, fear not…we can definitely work with it! The first step is getting to know and understand it.
What’s really going on, here?
The truth is, it’s not really about the stripey green couch vs. the white linen one. (But you already knew that, didn’t you?) When I work privately with clients, we slow down, get brave, and take a loving look at the deeper emotional issues creating design paralysis.
9 times out of 10, paralysis boils down to fear:
- Fear of the unknown.
- Fear of doing things “wrong” or making a mistake
- Fear of starting down a path without having every detail figured out in advance.
- Fear of that big, beautiful change you really want to make.
Think about this: remember the last time someone said to you, “now, are you absolutely sure this is what you want?” Whether it was in a furniture store, a restaurant, or a job interview, the result is usually the same for most of us: we freeze. We get shaky and sweaty. And then, in a panic, we think about our big sister (or husband or mom or dad) shaming us for changing our minds in three months.
When we feel paralyzed about a decision, we’re usually terrified to admit what we truly want.
So, we try to minimize the risk. We fantasize about the undeniably perfect, meant-to-be couch (on sale, and with a Prince Charming salesman, to boot!). We dream of the day when we’ll make decisions without an ounce of struggle or anxiety. We even dream up a better version of ourself: the woman who trusts herself, doesn’t fear judgment from others, and has no trouble deciding what to buy, what to wear, and how to change the world.
I hate to break it to you, but: few decisions in life are ever 100% fear-free. Anxiety around decisions is simply part of the human experience. It’s a bummer, it can be brutal — but there’s also a beauty to it, if you know where to look.
Choice is a brutal, beautiful, amazing, and incredibly human thing.
In my experience, the first step forward in making peace with your indecision and fear is to stop shaming or blaming the part of you that feels paralyzed. Take a deep breath. Remember to gentle with yourself.
Whatever angst or frustration you may be feeling, is a great source of information about what may be happening beneath the surface. Be curious about what is happening and how you are feeling. Give yourself lots of compassion and know that the process of creating a home is a tender project for many. Then, after realizing that you are perfectly normal…..
Try one of these powerful reframes:
1. Experimentation is Beautiful. Creativity happens when you give yourself permission to mess up. So play a little and have some fun! Try moving that purple chair from one side of the room to the other — “just to see.” Remind yourself: you can always change your mind. Purchases can be returned. You can repaint. Just take one, playful step forward — and see what happens!
2. Let Things be Messy. Ever made a spectacular, delicious meal? Chances are, your kitchen was a disaster in the midst of cooking — and that’s OK! Messiness is beautiful. It shows we’re alive, creating, changing, evolving. Embrace the messiness of decisions, and chances are you will move forward…probably with a whole lot more enjoyment as well!
3. Don’t Underestimate the Power of Baby Steps. You do not have to figure everything out before taking the first step! Try changing things in small, incremental ways … and then let the big things unfold. This can be challenging, especially when you’re not feeling the most calm and collected. But with practice, you can learn to shake off your paralysis, shift your state, and keep moving forward.
Anxiety about decisions is inevitable. But you don’t have to get stuck there. Give yourself a big dose of compassion, shake off your perfectionism and fear, and start getting playful with your home and your life!
TAKE ACTION!
In Your Home: Commit to doing one to break through your design paralysis this week. (Ex…Try moving a piece of furniture, letting go of something you have been resisting, or bringing home a new set of throw pillows to try!)
In Your Heart: Reflect on where fear, indecision and paralysis may be showing up in other areas of your life. Does the way you approach making decisions about your home mirror the ways you make decisions in other areas of your life? Be curious and allow yourself to explore what deeper insights might be available for you.
In the comments: Have you ever felt paralyzed about a decision — in your home or life? How did you shake off your fear and move forward?
And stay tuned for the next week’s post… I am going to be sharing why it’s actually awesome when you DON’T like something!
Sending Love,
Rebecca
P.S. If you found this useful please share it with your family and friends to spread the love.
And if haven’t already, be sure to subscribe to my newsletter (at the top right of this page) so you don’t miss a post! We have a beautiful growing community and would to have you join us!
Notes To My Younger Self…
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Today’s post is a little different from what I normally do but I was super excited when Sarah of Yes and Yes asked me to participate in a fun project she’s putting together called “Notes To My Younger Self.” Sarah has asked a whole bunch of fabulous women to impart some wisdom on our younger selves to help to spread the word about her new course The Post College Survival Kit.
I really believe in the sharing of wisdom and life lessons learned across generations, and fear that it is a ritual that may be losing ground in todays modern world. So, I am thrilled to participate and I have to say it was such a sweet experience thinking back on my 22 year old self and remembering who she was, what she was going through and how she felt inside.
There are SO many things I wish I could tell my younger self!
Here are eight of the most important pieces of insight…
1. Be Gentle
If there was just one thing I wish I could have learned earlier in life it would have been to BE GENTLE – with myself, with others, with the past, with the future, with the present.
I spent so much of my 20’s beating myself up for not having everything “figured out.” But discovering how to be truly happy isn’t as easy as everyone says it is and it’s even harder when we’re chasing an imaginary version of “perfect.”
The truth is, you’re going to fall down, get hurt, feel afraid, do things you don’t want to, or wish you hadn’t. It’s just part of the human experience. Learn to be gentle with yourself. Learn how to comfort and soothe yourself. Treat yourself as you would your own precious child. Life is so much easier when we’re nice to ourselves.
2. Take Care of Your Body
Move it. Fuel it. Love it. It’s the vehicle from which you live your life. Respect it. Loving your body is really just the practice of being present. Appreciate how your body allows you to experience your life when you listen to it and care for it.
3. Spend as Much Time Falling in Love with Yourself as you Do Trying to Find Someone To Fall In Love With!
Also…Beware the classic “potential problem” guy (or girl). You know this person: the one who sweet talks you all day (and night) but “just can’t give you what you want right now because… (insert x,y or z) and you obviously deserve better.”
And I know what you’re telling yourself. “He has so much potential and we have such an AMAZING connection and when he figures x,y and z out we are going to have a love like no other!” Real talk: Nine times out of ten this is a serious recipe for heartbreak, a lot of drama, and hours of obsessively checking your phone to see if he’s called. Real love stems from an ability to know and love ourselves first and then be vulnerable and loving with another person. (See #4).
4. Vulnerability is the Key to Success in Any Relationship
Vulnerability is the only real path to intimacy of any kind with anyone! Emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, intellectual intimacy, spiritual intimacy. Vulnerability is the key. It is the core of connection and the crucial piece that keeps relationships alive.
But learning to be vulnerable can be hard – excruciating even! It requires us to be seen for who we truly are – the good, the bad, the ugly. So many of us hold an unconscious belief that we don’t deserve love and that if someone truly knew our imperfections we would be alone for the rest of our life.
Vulnerability touches the darkest parts of us but it’s also our greatest access to love and joy – Click to Tweet
The key to learning how to be vulnerable in relationship is to first learn how to be vulnerable with yourself. Look at yourself in the mirror. Start building an intimate and vulnerable relationship with yourself. I promise it will lead to more secure, passionate, joyful and loving relationships with others.
5. Don’t Be Ashamed if You Don’t have the Money Thing Figured Out
Whether you have trouble making, saving, budgeting, or overspending you’re not alone – not by a long shot. I spent most of my 20’s being totally irresponsible with money and feeling deeply ashamed of it. We’re not taught this stuff in school! Struggling with money is kind of taboo in our culture; we rarely talk about it and we go to great measures to seem like we know what we’re doing.
I’d (lovingly) tell my younger self to come out of financial hiding a lot sooner. There is absolutely a way out of the money jungle and the sooner you make peace with your money struggles, the better. If you can muster the energy to get courageous and take this on, you’ll save oodles of time and so much insecurity and embarrassment. Look at it straight on. I promise it’s not as scary as you think.
6. Find A Mentor!
Your career, your life, your family, your future – you don’t have to figure it out all by yourself! Share your experience. Talk to people. Reach out for help when you’re lost or lonely. Having people we can trust with our deepest fears, insecurities, and questions is essential to finding our own answers.
I am a huge believer in the power of mentorship and mentors can take many forms – coach, therapist, teacher, friend, family members. What’s most important is that they help us find our own way while still being willing to listen, brainstorm and share wisdom. I honestly don’t know where I would be without the love and support of so many mentors I have had along the way.
7.Take care of your space!
Truth be told I was a total slob in college. Really! Sometimes I wonder how much depression, disordered eating, and lethargy I could have avoided if I understood how much my environment affected my mood. Taking care of your space = taking care of yourself and it totally pays off. You will be more productive, relaxed, and creative if your environment is functional, calm, and beautiful.
8. Have Fun, Enjoy, Play, Explore as Much as You Can
Your twenties should be devoted to getting to know yourself and that process should be as enjoyable as humanly possible. Be bold in deciding what you believe and who you are – separate of what society, your parents or peers believe.
This kind of deep but playful exploration is vital to the transition into healthy adulthood. I promise. You don’t want to wake up when you’re 40, realizing that you’re living your life based on someone else’s idea of what is “best” for you.
Listen to your heart. Create your own definition of success.
Each one of us has our own unique essence and life is so much easier when we learn to live, love and lead from this place.
Your Turn!
What advice would YOU impart on your younger self? Share in the comments below.
(Photo Credit: Doopamina Soup)
As a little girl, I used to dream of closets you’d see on tv:
The beautiful vanity covered with jewel-toned perfume bottles and fluffy makeup brushes.
Clothing hung on glossy, satin-covered hangers.Sweet pairs of shoes, arranging in rows, by color.
Sounds lovely, doesn’t it?
But most of us are faced with something significantly different: jangling, tangled hangers full of clothes we’re not quite in love with and piles of shoes that could use a good polishing.
And facing that isn’t a very loving, inspiring way to start the day, is it?
One of the best ways to love yourself (and your body) is to clean out your closet. And once it’s cleaned out? You can spruce it up and make it a space that celebrates who you are and where you’re going. Really and truly, it’s possible to make your closet a space that’s filled with feelings of luxury and to make the daily act of getting dressed a ritual of self-love.
Love your closet, love yourself. – Click to Tweet
We spend time in our closets daily, but we often see them as utilitarian spaces rather than the enclaves of self-appreciation and self-love that they can be. The clothes we wear can set the tone for our day and our closets can influence our peace of mind.
Here are 7 tips to help create a closet that will nurture and support you – not just store your clothes:
1. Create a system to display your clothes with spaciousness: No more hangers jammed so tightly you can’t even look through your clothes! If you can’t see your clothes, you can’t appreciate them. Make space through judicious editing.
2. Consider wooden hangers: Not only do they require more spaciousness between clothes, but they feel luxurious. What if you could open your closet and feel like you were shopping at your favorite boutique? In Paris, during sale season, and they have everything in your size!
3. Decorate your closet with a color that inspires you + showcases your clothes: Consider paint, baskets, a rug – make your space so beautiful you can barely stand it! Even if you closet is super small, there is always a way to beautify.
4. Add art that represents your true essence: Display it in or somewhere near your closet. This will help remind you of who you are while adorning yourself every morning. Adding just a bit of art will make getting dressed in the morning a luxury experience of self-care and a quiet moment to check in with yourself.
5. Move the towels, sheets, and other linens out of your clothes closet: If at all possible, try to keep these items separate: in the bathroom, a hall closet, or even a dresser drawer is better then folded on top of a shelf in the closet. You want your closet to feel truly committed to you.
6. Store non-clothes and random stuff elsewhere: Closets have a tendency to be a dumping ground or hiding place for many, many things. If you’d like your closet to be a space dedicated to self-expression and self-love, we want to keep it clean and free of boxes, papers, vacuums, or – my personal favorite – a turkey roasting pan!
7. Decorate your closet with personal items: Shoes, handbags, favorite photos, artfully arranged knick knacks – put them on display so every time you get dressed, if feels as though you are shopping.
Take Action!
In Your Home: Which of these tips can you implement immediately to make your closet a more inviting, supportive space? Make one small change today to adjust the tone of your closet.
In Your Heart: If you don’t love your closet, think about what might be creating negative emotions there for you. Do you feel worthy of having a space that’s just for you? Are there clothes or other items in your closet that make you feel sad, guilty, or ashamed? Reflect on the emotions that come up for you around your closet and maybe journal about them.
In The Comments Below: Tell me, which of the 7 tips do you feel most compelled to try? Whats your plan?
With Love,
Rebecca
P.S. To share these tips with your friends click here!
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