For most of us, clothes are an intensely personal statement about who we are.

You know what I mean.  When you wear that little black dress you’re telling the world that you’re sexy and sophisticated. When you put on that necklace you bought from a street vendor in Nepal, you’re telling us that you’re worldly and interesting. Those motorcycle boots? Perhaps they mean you’re scrappy and tough.

Clothes are our armor, our costumes, our invitation to others and a glimpse of what we want them to see when they look at us.

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And, just like our spaces, our clothes tend to hold meaning far beyond what they are.  Does that red suit remind you of the presentation your bombed? Were you wearing that jacket when he broke your heart? Was this the shirt you wore at a moment you felt amazing?

The amount of meaning we place on our clothes in insane. Even when we don’t wear them any more, they can sit in our closet taking up room and creating the experience of a photo album rather than a place of current adornment.

Whether you have positive or negative associations with a piece of clothing, it can hold memories and these memories can often (consciously or unconsciously) impact our emotions.

Do your clothes taunt you?

Skinny jeans, fat clothes – we even have slang for the pieces that take up space in our minds and closets. And it’s not just about weight. A friend’s mother kept dozens of business suits that were decades and sizes out of date because she’d “invested” so much money in the clothes…But was it really the suits she couldn’t release – or the high-profile job?

Our clothes should honor the body and the life we are living in now.

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Are you honoring your body with the clothes you choose to keep around?  Or are your clothes demanding something that you can’t give? Waiting for an experience you hope to have one day?

An edit of your closet can be an empowering way to make sure the clothes you choose to keep in your wardrobe are balanced with your current needs and honoring where you are in your body and in your life right now. Believe it or not, your closet can actually feel luxurious and getting dressed in the morning can actually feel like an act of self-love. Imagine that…. (more on this next week!)

Ask yourself these questions as you go through your clothes to help you decide whether a piece should stay or go:

•  How do my clothes feel on my skin? Heavy, itchy, old or a little off? Or do they feel light beautiful, airy, cozy, warm?

• Who was I when I bought this? Am I still this person?

• How do I feel about my body when I wear this?

• What memories do the article of clothing bring up? Think about this both in the positive and negative.

• Is this piece taunting me? Are any of these clothes holding my happiness for ransom? Notice what old belief patterns of fear or anxiety you are holding in your closet. A lot can be energetically happening in there.

• Are these clothes taking up space that I need? Literally and physically. Consider this as a metaphor for your body. How could this be showing up in or on your body? As excess weight, constipation, tightness etc.?

• Are these clothes right for the climates I dress for? This can include weather as well as different work or social climates. What do you wear on different occasions or with different people?  Is it appropriate? Are you putting on a costume in any area of your life?

TAKE ACTION

In your home: Take a few hours or a full day to edit your closet. Enlist a trusted friend to be your assistant and help you consider the questions above when and if you get stuck.

In your heart: Reflect on what your clothes and your closet might be mirroring back to your body and/or emotional life. Are you holding on to things you don’t need any more? Trying to live in a time that has passed? Sit with whatever comes up, journal about it, or share it here in the comments below.

Sending love,

Rebecca

P.S. If you enjoyed this post please share it with your friends! Thank you!

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Do you ever wonder what really happens when I work privately with someone?

Today, one courageous client and I are sharing the full story: tears, closet-purging, and identity-shifting breakthroughs included. I love this case, because it has a big twist that illustrates a fundamental key to transformation (especially in relationship).

So buckle your seatbelts and get ready for a beautiful (and oh-so-relatable!) ride.

Laika’s home and marriage both needed some love.  Just not exactly in the way she thought.

Laika and her husband deeply love each other, but every few months, their painful past would resurface. They always worked through it — but Laika desperately wanted to heal her marriage, once and for all. She wanted to create deeper intimacy, more effective communication, and find ways to start having fun again. In short: she wanted to create the kind of marriage she had always dreamed of.

When Laika found Sarah Jenks’ lovely story about working with me (and how it dissolved mountains of tension in her relationship), she instantly thought about how tense her husband got each time he opened the front door.  Was there something to this “space as metaphor” thing?

Laika took a quick mental tour of her home.  It felt unfinished, neglected, and chaotic.  That’s is when her first lightbulb went on:

She felt the same way in her marriage!

Laika was already in personal therapy, working on her patterns of withholding, resentment, and forgiveness. But it didn’t matter how much internal work she did — as soon as she came home, she spiraled into old patterns of frustration, fear, and shutting down.

Does your hard-won personal growth fly out the window when you get home? Take a look at your space!

When I arrived in Laika’s NYC home for our intensive, she was pretty sure about the source of her home-and-marriage problems: her husband. (Or at least his stuff.) She wanted to spend our time together re-organizing his home office, sorting through his things, and buying him a bigger desk (even though he didn’t want one). The gist was: things will get better when he changes and its my job to help him.

Can you relate? So many of us make this mistake in relationships: we try to change the other person, instead of ourselves. I gently pointed out to Laika that the best way to change her husband’s behavior (in their home and in their marriage) was by working on how she showed up. We needed to clean up her side of the “street.”

The quickest, most effective way to change a relationship is to change how you show up in it. – Click to Tweet

With this reframe in place, we quickly realized how little Laika’s home reflected the woman she is now, (and the women she was trying to be in her marriage). Everywhere she looked, everyday, she saw reminders of her “painful past.” No wonder she and her husband were stuck in a cycle of pain. No wonder they couldn’t move forward!

We spent two full days releasing things that no longer reflect who Laika is — AND (this is key!) releasing all of the emotions those items contained.

I’ll let Laika speak for herself:

Laika really “got” how important it was for her to focus on changing herself, not her husband. And this is when the magic started happening:

By “cleaning up her side of the street,” Laika is enjoying beautiful ripple effects on her own life, in her business, and YES…in her marriage too!:

Laika and her husband still have work to do, in their home and in their relationship. But by clearing their space and doing the deep, internal work that went along with it, they’ve taken huge strides in healing their painful past. Not only has their communication and intimacy shifted, but Laika feels more hopeful, motivated and open about their future than ever before. By releasing resentment, pain, and shame, these two were finally able to get a true fresh start.

When we release tangible things from our lives, we can release the emotions they hold, too.  – Click to Tweet

How about you?

Does your home reflect your relationship in any way? What might be one small way you could “clean up your side of the street?” Share in comments below! 

Sending love,

Rebecca

P. S. If you liked this post, I’d love for you to share it with your friends. And if you’re curious about working privately with me (in person or via Skype), you can learn all about it right here.

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(Photo Credit – Katie Henderson)

Summer is officially in full swing! Remember those magical summer days of your childhood?

Back in spring I got super clear that I wanted to have a “real” summer this year. Not one that flew by before I knew it, but one that was full of adventure, fun and play. I wanted to wear sundresses, drink lemonade, day dream and lay in the warm sun for hours.  I wanted a “good old fashion summer.”

As I connected with my strong yearning for summer, I also got curious about why my craving was so strong this year?  Was it really the otter pops and swimming I wanted…..or was there a deeper value I wasn’t honoring? A need I wasn’t listening to?

I went into the heart of my longing and found a deep desire for…

s p a c i o u s n e s s.

I realized…

Spaciousness was the key to those magical summers of our childhood. Those slow and sleepy times … when days lasted a lifetime and anything felt possible.

Spaciousness is what makes summer deeply restful and wildly alive. It gives way to spontaneity, creativity, and excitement. It creates an environment of wonder, peacefulness and playfulness.

But spaciousness isn’t always the easiest to implement.

As adults we have jobs, families, responsibilities. We live in a fast paced modern world, where everything is designed to speed us up, distract us, and create a low-grade level of consent anxiety. It’s exhausting and our excitement slides all too quickly into fatigue.  We’re left uncomfortable. Depleted. Starving for spaciousness.

Here’s the thing, (and yes I am sure many of you already know this): The world isn’t going to slow down for us. The reality is that we must choose spaciousness.

Spaciousness is a choice. Our choice. – Click to Tweet

If we want to slow down,  we have to consciously create room in our lives, homes, schedules, and minds.

We have to reconnect with spaciousness as a value and craft the cycle of our days accordingly.

This summer, I’m slowing down. I’m consciously creating a good, old-fashioned summer of fun and spaciousness. I’m making time stretch beyond my average work week.  I am working hard, playing hard and choosing to get present and soak up all the magic of summer around me.

Here’s how I’m creating a fun, spacious summer. Join me?

I’ve created a running list of fun ideas to help me slow down, create spaciousness, and thoroughly enjoy the sweetness of summer. I know it’s got me inspired — and I hope it helps those of you craving the same kind of feelings too!

Ideas for a Good Old Fashion Summer Home + Heart:

• Eat watermelon. Lots of it. Often.
• Lay in a field of grass. Maybe on a gorgeous blanket you bought for a dream picnic.
• Plan that picnic of your dreams you keep putting off.
• Ride a bike (extra points for a basket!)
• Take a whole day off. Schedule nothing. Spend it by yourself or with your precious family.
• Hang out by the water for a whole day: pool, beach, lake, or river. Hopefully multiple days!
• Eat ice cream and stock the freezer with popsicles

• Put “watching the sun set” in your calendar and make it happen
• Pick wildflowers
• Make daisy wreaths for a little girl (or your inner little girl)
• Spend time in a garden
• Go on long walks
• Journal on a park bench
• Read, nap, repeat
• Throw a summer soiree
• Have your best girlfriends over for brunch and eat outside

• Light sparklers at dusk
• Chase fireflies
• Take time to do nothing but giggle
• Hold a new baby and watch closely as he or she discovers the world for the first time
• Notice when worry or stress creep in — and escort them to the door
• Pick berries and bake pies (or who cares… buy a pie and pretend you made it! Serve it on your most beautiful plates.)
• Go to the movies in the middle of the day (or catch an outdoor show)
• Go camping or sleep under the stars in your backyard (or a national park..I went to Yosemite for the first time this summer…it was amazing!)
• Go horseback riding
• Take a day trip to your local farm

• Place fresh flowers in every room of your home
• Adorn the bed with white linens
• Play summery music (my favorites: Hawaiian and Reggae!)
• Fancy up your water with mint, lemon, cucumber, or raspberry
• Have candlelit dinners under twinkly lights on your porch
• Eat lots of shish kabobs, heirloom tomatoes, and corn on the cob!

Doesn’t it sound lovely?

Are you onboard for a magical, spacious, old fashioned summer, too? Let’s keep building this list! What fun ideas do you have to share? I can’t wait to hear about them in the comments below.

And if you are up for it…. let’s help keep each other inspired! I’ll be posting throughout the summer, using the hashtag: #summerofspaciousness. Here’s how you can join in:

• Follow me on Facebook, here.
• Catch my Instagram feed here.
• Post your own photos and reflections (on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook) using the hashtag: #summerofspaciousness. I can’t wait to see what you are up to!

Sending love,

Rebecca

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The survey results are in! Two weeks ago, I sent a simple little email to our community (to join us put your name in email in the box to the right..it’s free!) asking one question: what is your biggest struggle when it comes to creating a home you love?

The response. Was. Huge.

Within hours, I had hundreds of responses. And, yes: I responded personally to every single one! It’s been so fun to connect directly with so many of you, and to get an inside look at what’s “up” for you! Your responses have illuminated even more layers to this work, and given me a fabulous sense of where you’re at and how I can help. Thank you! Thank you!

After some sorting, sifting, and analyzing, a clear pattern has emerged. The vast majority of your struggles fit into two main themes:

Theme #1: You feel stuck, uninspired, or limited in your space — and you don’t know how to change it due to a lack of money, time, or inspiration.

What it sounds like:

• “How do I design my space on a budget?”
• “What colors/textures/lighting should I bring in?”
• “I want more peace/vibrancy/creative inspiration in my space but don’t know how to create it!”
• “How do I refresh and edit my space seasonally without buying all new things?”
• “I don’t know what my authentic style is?” or, “How do I figure out what’s beautiful to me?”
• “How can I create a beautiful home in a space I know it’s only temporary or transitional?”

Familiarity can blind us. When you feel stuck in your home or heart, it’s time to invite a fresh perspective.

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What I suggest:

• Pay attention to what makes you happy! When you are out and about, start paying attention to things you are drawn to…. atmospheres, colors, lighting, textures, people, music, energies. What things light you up? Make you smile? Make you feel…joyful, relaxed, inspired, alive, grounded, grateful or…(insert desired feeling.) What do you find incredible beautiful? Small or grand!
• Get creative. How might you incorporate some of the elements you identified above into your home?  Do candles help you feel grounded and present? Does color bring aliveness and inspiration to your day? Can the smell of lavender transport you straight to France and evoke the experience of luxury? Play with this! You can create the space you want and it doesn’t have to be expensive. Think outside the box. Get crafty. Be creative!h this! You can create the space you want and it doesn’t have to be expensive. Think outside the box. Get crafty. Be creative!
• Collaborate! Sometimes, we spend so much time in our space, we can’t truly see it. We pass by the same things everyday and get complacent and stuck. So, get an outside perspective! Invite a friend to look at your space with fresh eyes, ask you questions about it, and help you get clear on what you truly want. This can help re-light your spark and help get you motivated to create the change you are after.
• Do a Discovery Session with me. Want a laser-focused brainstorming session with a pro? I’m all yours. Bring me onto your team, and we’ll identify the core issues, brainstorm about how to make it better — and make a can-do action plan that will get you unstuck and motivated again! Learn more here.

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Theme #2: Your space is mirroring some emotional truths back to you, and you’re  not sure how to navigate them on your own.

What it sounds like:

• “Clutter and disorganization are wreaking havoc on my personal/professional life, and I feel overwhelmed and paralyzed.”
• “I have a deep fear of scarcity and can’t bring myself to let go of things. What if I need it in the future?”
• “Buying new or beautiful things makes me feel guilty — I’m stuck in the ‘it’s good enough’ mind set.”
• “My partner and I have completely different tastes and don’t agree. How do we create a home that feels good to both of us?”
• “I feel burdened by family hand-me-downs but don’t want to offend anyone or seem ungrateful for not taking them.”
• I just can’t bring myself to go through my mother’s things since she passed. The grief it brings up is just too painful.
• “I feel light years away from the home I want — where can I begin? Is there even a point?”

If any of these sound familiar to you, it may be time to roll up your sleeves and do some deeper inner work.  Most likely, it’s not just your space that’s the problem: there is something in you aching to create a truly beautiful life, from the inside, out.

If your home mirrors things you don’t like back to you, it’s time to go deep-soul-diving and make changes from the inside, out.

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What I suggest

• Follow the thread of your intuition. Awareness is the first step towards making change (in our space and in ourselves.) Be curious about what you are noticing and ask yourself if you are willing to take a deeper look.
• Recognize your feelings as a valuable source of information. There are parts of you aching to express themselves and it is important to pay attention. Find your best way to slow down and listen to your emotional voice. Follow your instincts and give yourself what you need.
• Take breaks if you need it. Looking at your space in this new way can stir up some  intense and overwhelming feelings. You do NOT need to power through them! Give yourself the time and space you need to process. Breathe. It might be too intense to be in your space as you work through your emotions — try going for a walk, sitting by a body of water, or petting something furry.  Allow yourself to calm down and get clear before returning to your space as starting again.
• Consider Interior Coaching with me. This is where the unique blend of my work truly shines. With a masters in counseling psychology and training as a grief counselor and coach, I’m very familiar with the process of releasing old patterns, beliefs, and priorities. I love coaching people to stand more firmly in who they truly are and live from this place. This work that goes far beyond “decorating” and “organizing.” It’s a tremendous path for evolving into the people we want to be and creating the lives we want to live. Learn more here.

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Your fabulous responses to my impromptu survey have illuminated just how needed — and unique! — this work truly is.

So many of us recognize the emotional connections we have to our food, our money, our relationships, our life purpose … but we often turn a blind eye to the intimate relationship we have with our space.

Working on your relationship to your space brings powerful, clear-as-daylight insight, straight to the areas of your life that need loving attention.

Remember: be gentle with yourself as you dance with these questions and please ask for help if you need it.

In the comments below, I’d love to know… Does YOUR biggest challenge fit within one of these two themes? What’s one small action step you can take towards making the change you want in your home today?

Sending Love,

Rebecca

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Today, I want to share one of my favorite client stories with you. It just might make you think twice about what’s on your walls!

“Jackie” lives with her husband in a small NYC apartment. They got married last year and have been adjusting to married life.

Jackie contacted me because her space “just didn’t feel right.” She felt uninspired and claustrophobic at home. But, worst of all, she and her hubby were fighting and struggling to connect with each other. This was never how she’d imagined the newlywed stage to be! She attributed most of their troubles to work stress and a busy social calendar — but she also knew they needed a more relaxing, inviting home to share.

The biggest problem (and mystery!) was the living room.

Jackie said that every time she walked into that room, it made her skin crawl. She wasn’t sure why, but couldn’t get out of it fast enough. Even though it was her husband’s favorite spot to unwind after work and the perfect spot for “hi, honey, how was your day” conversations, Jackie couldn’t stand it.

When we jumped on our first Skype call (Yes, I work with clients over Skype!), I asked Jackie to give me a tour of the living room.  She showed me a cluttered closet, an old TV stand from college that she hated, and the weird layout she couldn’t figure out how to manage. Certainly all of those things contributed to her negative experience in the room … but I had a hunch that something deeper was going on.

Finally, we hit the golden question when I asked her, “Tell me about those pictures on the wall.” Jackie had arranged three beautiful images from her wedding last spring on the wall. As soon as the question left my mouth I watched Jackie’s energy drop. She sighed and said in sad voice,  “Those are pictures from our wedding day.”

Whoa! Why did her energy become so sad and low when talking about a day that’s normally so joyous?

Jackie explained to me that her wedding day was a very painful experience. Family drama had overshadowed the joy (a very common wedding experience, by the way). She was bitterly disappointed in her family, and heartbroken that she and her husband’s special day was such a bummer. Those three wedding pictures on her wall captured the few moments she did feel happy that day — but every time she looked at them, she felt angry and just wanted to cry.

Bingo! We’d found the subtle but profound reason why Jackie’s living room made her skin crawl. It was truly heartbreaking.

The things we surround ourselves with make huge waves.

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Our surroundings and the objects in them can greatly impact how we feel about ourselves, our lives, and the ones we love most. But we’re usually unconscious (or semi-conscious) about all of this.

As soon as Jackie realized what was going on, she was able to open a door to greater healing around her whole wedding experience. She allowed herself to name, validate, and feel her grief, anger and disappointment. She was eventually able to reframe the entire story and see it in a more positive light: thanks to her unique wedding experience, she grew into the strong woman she is today.

Jackie took down some of the wedding pictures, but kept her favorites and rearranged them in a new way. Here was the amazing part: once she had done the deeper, emotional work, those wedding pictures no longer made her skin crawl! Instead, they became a beautiful symbol of her growth and the deep, enduring strength and love in her marriage.

A few months later, I checked in with Jackie to see how she was feeling about her room. She said it was completely different. She had changed a few other things in the room (that cluttered closet, the old TV stand, etc.). But she reported that the realization about her wedding images had immediately and deeply shifted not only her experience of that room, but also her marriage and sense of self and the way she remembers her wedding day. Pretty amazing!

Who knew: the source for our greatest healing, that one minor change that could ripple through our whole life in major ways — could be living on our walls, staring us in the face, everyday.

Jackie’s story is a beautiful example of what I call “Interior Insight.”

Interior insight is the process of using our environment as a mirror, and harnessing its power to help us grow. In my own experience (and those of my clients), as soon as we open up to the concept of our space as a mirror, we receive precise answers about where we’re stuck and where we need healing in our lives.

Then, when we combine this interior insight with emotional work and physical changes to our spaces, huge transformations occur, both internally and externally.

Note: Want to learn more about interior insight? Be sure to sign up and receive my gorgeous free guide/ebook  in the orange box at the top right of this page…I dedicated a whole chapter to it!

So … what are you waiting for? If you’re ready to harness the power of your space and start creating the life  and home you truly want, there’s no time like the present.

In the comments below, tell me what “interior insight” you have been discovering in your space. How would changing something (internally or externally) help you to grow, change or heal?

Sending love,

Rebecca

P.S. If you enjoyed this article please spread the love and share it with your friends!

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