Easier to let them win than to keep fighting? How to stand firm in your truth.

“Speak your mind … even if your voice shakes.” ~ Maggie Kuhn

Read no further if:

• You never have any trouble speaking up about what you want;
• You’re completely confident in your ability to face opposition;
• You always navigate disagreement with grace and aplomb — and never wilt, collapse, or get angry.

OK. How many of you are left? Everyone? Yep…

Today, I’m sharing what I’ve learned about holding firm in my truth. Keep in mind: even if you’re not currently in an intimate relationship, you can apply everything in this post to other areas of your life where you experience conflict — with your coworkers, family, roommate, or friends.

It’s hard enough to get clear on what you want. And to get brave enough to share it with your partner. But: defend your position when s/he disagrees? What are we — emotional ninjas??

You think the office should be olive green; your girlfriend demands brick red. You hate that old, overstuffed recliner; he insists it stays. You want a sleek, modern look; your partner wants shabby chic.

If you’re interested in co-creating a home with your partner, your satisfaction and success will be directly tied to your ability to speak up and stand firm in your truth.

Notice: “stand firm” does not mean “get tyrannical.” Nor does it mean shying away from your desires. It’s a fluid, responsive, compassionate practice in which you remain clear and confident in your own desires — and open to your partner’s feedback and needs.

Think back to the last time you shared a vulnerable desire with your partner. Whether it was a big deal or a tender detail, you mustered the courage to speak— and s/he pushed back. (Take a moment to bring an example to mind — either from the past, or an imagined scenario.) How did you respond?

We all have our own style of reacting when someone disagrees with what we want. Unfortunately, many times our reactions aren’t always the healthiest for our relationships, and they often hold us back from creating the happiness we truly want. Some common flavors of not standing firm in our truth include:

• Collapsing. “Oh, maybe I don’t actually want that, after all. S/He’s right. It’s not really that important, anyway.”
• Getting Angry. “Screw you for not being on board! You never support what matters to me.”
• Disengaging. “Oh. No, that’s fine. I’m just going to take a bath and then not talk to you for a few days.”

Each of these responses, at their core, are ways of throwing away your hard-won clarity.

Your clarity is precious. When someone challenges it, don’t squander it by collapsing, getting angry, or disengaging. Stand firm in your truth.

– Click to Tweet

If you catch yourself “in the act” of giving up your position or getting reactive, don’t fret. You’ve already interrupted the pattern! Now’s your chance to dance some new steps with your partner. Here’s how:

1. Slow down.

Breathe. Connect with yourself. If you want to relate authentically with someone, you must ground and center into yourself, first.

2. Ask Yourself: What Belief or Fear Is Running The Show?

Some common examples:

• “My desires and opinions aren’t valid if someone disagrees with them.”
• “I’ll never have what I want, anyway.”
• “I don’t deserve to have what I want.”
• “I must be a doormat to be liked.”
• “I must be a dictator to remain in control.”
• “I must avoid conflict, at all cost.”
• “My desires for beauty, comfort, and luxury should always be trumped by money fears and guilt.”

3. Be Brave and Look Beyond Compromise.

Sometimes, compromise is healthy. But often, we tell ourselves we’re compromising — when we’re actually just avoiding conflict. (Or secretly wishing our partner would get the hint that it’s his/her turn to compromise!) And that’s a recipe for resentment.

The health of your relationship relies on your willingness

to be brave, get vulnerable, and speak up.

So instead of shrugging, “it’s not worth fighting over,” or trying to smooth things over with a compromise where neither of you end up truly happy, slow down. Take a moment to connect with what’s true for you and then get open and curious. Might there be a third option? See if you can put your heads together and come up with a creative solution where you both win.

4. Tread Softly With Yourself.

Be as curious and compassionate with yourself (and your partner) as you can. Treat this challenge as an opportunity for self-discovery … and know that communication in relationship is an ever evolving process.

How you and your partner have these conversations about life + home is just as important as the results that come from them.

Sometimes, the most challenging conversations

are the ones that create the deepest intimacy. – Click To Tweet

TAKE ACTION!

In Your Home: Put your Sherlock cap on and walk through your space, hunting for something (big or tiny) that you and your sweetheart simply don’t agree on, no matter how you try.

In Your Heart: Grab a journal and write about how you and your partner have related around this spot or item. What happened? Did you collapse, get angry, or disengage? Have you avoided talking about it, at all? (That’s disengaging, too!) How would you like to show up differently, here?

In the Comments: How do disagreements about “home” (or anything else) play out in your relationship? Do you have any tips for standing more firmly in your truth?

Sending love,
Rebecca

P. S. If you tired of fighting with your partner about (insert x, y, z) and/or are struggling to find your voice in your relationship I can help. Contact me today to learn more about how! Can’t wait to hear from you!