A 3+ Step Process For Making Requests of Your Sweetie (Without Nagging!)

Welcome back, lovebirds!

Last week, we sparked a conversation about co-creating a home with your sweetheart: what’s really going on when you two connect or combust over your home, and why “we just don’t like the same things” is merely the tip of the emotional iceberg. (In case you missed it, that post is right here.)

Big take-away: your home isn’t just a physical place. It’s where your personality, dreams, quirks, blocks, and gifts take physical form. Talking about your home can be charged and challenging … BUT with the right tools, it can also be a powerful shortcut to intimacy.

Loving reminder: even if you’re not in a relationship right now, you can take these suggestions to heart. You may want to think back to a previous relationship, and muse on what you could have done differently (but only if you do so with complete compassion for yourself!).  And you can apply this process to any area of your life, not just your home: your career, your friendships — really anywhere you’re in a relationship with others.

Alright … are you ready to take those big ideas about your space and start working with them, in a practical way, together? Here we go!

My 3+ Step Process For Navigating Requests As You Create A Home With Your Partner:

1. Clean Up Your Side Of The Street.

Does everything seem like it’s his fault? “If only he didn’t leave socks on the floor/love that dang ugly recliner/penny-pinch so much …”

It’s so tempting to point the finger of blame at anyone but ourselves. Sure, your sweetheart may have annoying habits or different tastes than you — and it’s understandable that this ruffles your feathers! But, over-focusing on what your partner “should” do can be a convenient excuse to avoid your own work.

When you feel yourself getting swept into the “blame game,” pause for a moment. Ask yourself, “what am I creating, here? What can I control, without relying on him to change at all?” When we refocus on ourselves, and the positive shifts we can make, a whole world of fresh possibilities can open up.

Here’s a great example of this principle in action. My client, Laika, came to me because she and her husband had some deep, ongoing tension that they just couldn’t shake. She was convinced that everything would shift once her husband changed: she wanted to re-organize his office space, buy him a bigger desk (even though he didn’t want one), and on and on.

When we walked through her home together, she suddenly saw how much her own unhappiness and unresolved issues were contributing to their unhappiness. (Literally: she was surrounded by clutter that reminded her of a painful past.) Once she turned to what she could do, the magic started happening. We spent two full days releasing things that no longer served her, and making space for a new future (literally and emotionally).

The result? She created a beautiful home office for herself, opened a floodgate of creativity, and was able to communicate with her husband in a more relaxed, intimate way than ever before. (Read more of Laika’s story here.)

2. Connect With Yourself First.

Before you can tell your partner what you truly want, you must be able to communicate it with yourself.

So …  you want a fresh coat of paint on that wall. Is it really because you hate beige? Or is something deeper going on — like you’re starved for more fun, creativity, or personal space? Take a moment to identify what you want more (or less) of in your home — and dig down to the heart of why you want it.

Give yourself permission to uncover and express what truly makes your spirit happy … and to find creative ways to connect with it, in your home and your life. You can go as deep as you want with this, and make your home a genuine expression of your deepest values, needs and desires.

3. Get To The Heart Of Your Request.

OK, so you’ve cleaned up your side of the street, connected to yourself, and still found that you have a request for your partner. Totally normal, and really great!

Before piping up, ask yourself what’s truly going on for me, here? Is there a deeper need underneath your request?

For example: if it irks you that he leaves wet towels on the floor every morning, first ask yourself if that’s the heart of the issue, for you. Perhaps you actually need him to show more appreciation for the housework you do; maybe you’ve just started a new job, and would like some support getting out of the door in the morning; or, you might want him to honor the artistic way you’ve decorated the bathroom, because it’s an expression of your creativity.

Be prepared to be surprised, here. You may find that the core of your desire has nothing to do with the tangible request! Or, you might find that your initial impulse was spot-on — but now, you can communicate to your sweetie precisely why it matters so much to you.

4. Communicate with Care, Clarity, and Curiosity. (Bonus Step!)

You’ve done the prep work. Now, you’re ready to open your mouth and talk to your sweetie. Make an effort to come from a calm, caring place within yourself. Remember: no matter how mad or frustrated you are at him/her, you still love them!

Speak simply and clearly about the deeper needs and desires you’ve uncovered. And, remember to listen to your partner’s response! Get curious about their own needs and desires — even if they’re not clear on them, yet. In this way, your homemaking conversation becomes an opportunity for an intimate conversation about way more than kitchen tiles and throw pillows — it’s about your precious relationship, your dreams, your love, your future.

In the Comments Below… I would love to hear about what do you need/want to talk to your partner about in terms of your home? What do you think is at the heart of your request?

And Stay Tuned For Next Weeks Post!  Do you sometimes have trouble standing firm in what you want, when your partner disagrees? Next week, I’ll share a few simple invitations to get underneath this pattern and make requests with more confidence.

Sending love,

Rebecca

P. S. If you liked this post, I’d love for you to share it with your friends. And if you’re curious about working together privately or as a couple be sure to contact me here!