Laika’s Story: “The Unexpected Twist that Created a Fresh Start in My Marriage”
Do you ever wonder what really happens when I work privately with someone?
Today, one courageous client and I are sharing the full story: tears, closet-purging, and identity-shifting breakthroughs included. I love this case, because it has a big twist that illustrates a fundamental key to transformation (especially in relationship).
So buckle your seatbelts and get ready for a beautiful (and oh-so-relatable!) ride.
Laika’s home and marriage both needed some love. Just not exactly in the way she thought.
Laika and her husband deeply love each other, but every few months, their painful past would resurface. They always worked through it — but Laika desperately wanted to heal her marriage, once and for all. She wanted to create deeper intimacy, more effective communication, and find ways to start having fun again. In short: she wanted to create the kind of marriage she had always dreamed of.
When Laika found Sarah Jenks’ lovely story about working with me (and how it dissolved mountains of tension in her relationship), she instantly thought about how tense her husband got each time he opened the front door. Was there something to this “space as metaphor” thing?
Laika took a quick mental tour of her home. It felt unfinished, neglected, and chaotic. That’s is when her first lightbulb went on:
She felt the same way in her marriage!
Laika was already in personal therapy, working on her patterns of withholding, resentment, and forgiveness. But it didn’t matter how much internal work she did — as soon as she came home, she spiraled into old patterns of frustration, fear, and shutting down.
Does your hard-won personal growth fly out the window when you get home? Take a look at your space!
When I arrived in Laika’s NYC home for our intensive, she was pretty sure about the source of her home-and-marriage problems: her husband. (Or at least his stuff.) She wanted to spend our time together re-organizing his home office, sorting through his things, and buying him a bigger desk (even though he didn’t want one). The gist was: things will get better when he changes and its my job to help him.
Can you relate? So many of us make this mistake in relationships: we try to change the other person, instead of ourselves. I gently pointed out to Laika that the best way to change her husband’s behavior (in their home and in their marriage) was by working on how she showed up. We needed to clean up her side of the “street.”
The quickest, most effective way to change a relationship is to change how you show up in it. – Click to Tweet
With this reframe in place, we quickly realized how little Laika’s home reflected the woman she is now, (and the women she was trying to be in her marriage). Everywhere she looked, everyday, she saw reminders of her “painful past.” No wonder she and her husband were stuck in a cycle of pain. No wonder they couldn’t move forward!
We spent two full days releasing things that no longer reflect who Laika is — AND (this is key!) releasing all of the emotions those items contained.
I’ll let Laika speak for herself:
“We went drawer by drawer, cabinet by cabinet, item by item. Emotionally, it was challenging: those items and the places they were hiding held profound wounds that I had no idea existed. Clothes in my closet reminded me of the woman I used to be, not the woman, wife, and professional I have evolved into. Constantly seeing those things and wearing those clothes kept me stuck in that old space.
I had to let go of my things from the past so I could make room for the things that support my beliefs now. This was huge! I had been hiding so much guilt, pain and shame underneath all that stuff, because I had no idea how to handle it all.
Rebecca went slowly, and knew when to push and when to give me a minute to catch my breath. It was intense, but I never felt alone in the process: Rebecca walked me through the process with such tender, loving care.”
Laika really “got” how important it was for her to focus on changing herself, not her husband. And this is when the magic started happening:
“I was so set on working on the office and making it a joint area for my husband and myself, but we ended up creating an office just for me. This has opened a floodgate of creativity, which I’m using to birth my business and generate the courage to open up to new adventures in my life. This is what I actually needed to make space for!”
By “cleaning up her side of the street,” Laika is enjoying beautiful ripple effects on her own life, in her business, and YES…in her marriage too!:
“This wasn’t just about cleaning up my house… it was about getting a fresh start with my husband. It was about growing even more fully into the women I am. I feel like I can finally see myself now. I got my voice back. I now communicate in my relationship from a place of groundedness and love, without shying away or shutting down.
I truly do believe that the huge shifts I have experienced within myself and my marriage would not have been possible without this work. I knew cleaning things up would transform my home, but I truly did not understand how much it would also transform my life. I am so grateful and will never look at my space the same way again.
I feel motivated from a whole new place to keep our space clean and clear. It’s not about having a beautiful home … it’s about having a beautiful life.”
Laika and her husband still have work to do, in their home and in their relationship. But by clearing their space and doing the deep, internal work that went along with it, they’ve taken huge strides in healing their painful past. Not only has their communication and intimacy shifted, but Laika feels more hopeful, motivated and open about their future than ever before. By releasing resentment, pain, and shame, these two were finally able to get a true fresh start.
When we release tangible things from our lives, we can release the emotions they hold, too. – Click to Tweet
I don’t know what I expected, but our intensive was BETTER than my wildest dreams. In two days with Rebecca, I cannot express the changes I have seen in my life, in my husband, and in our home. Rebecca brought my husband and I together in ways we never knew we were apart. This work has opened the door for us to communicate and connect in the present moment, free from constant reminders of the past. My husband is very resistant to letting people into our lives, but now, he talks about Rebecca all the time!
We bought our home in 2011, and now, in 2014, it finally feels like our home: a place where our needs for space, function, and flow are met. This is what Rebecca does.
I still work with Rebecca, and I have a list from her of things I can keep working on to beautify my home. Each time I open it and check something off the list, I feel liberated and uplifted. This process brings joy to a place deep inside of me. Rebecca is a miracle worker: she turned our house into a warm, inviting home, filled with promise for a bright future!
From the bottom of our hearts, we thank you!
~ Jean and Laika
How about you?
Does your home reflect your relationship in any way? What might be one small way you could “clean up your side of the street?” Share in comments below!
Sending love,
Rebecca
P. S. If you liked this post, I’d love for you to share it with your friends. And if you’re curious about working privately with me (in person or via Skype), you can learn all about it right here.
6 Comments on “Laika’s Story: “The Unexpected Twist that Created a Fresh Start in My Marriage””
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I * love * this * post. Congrats, Laika, on your beautiful new home, relationship, and life. And Rebecca, wow. Just wow. Beautiful work.
Hi Sharron! Thank you so much! So glad to have you in our community!
Oh my!!! OMG… Thanks Rebecca!!
Those pictures… Oh my!!! Thought I’d cry, but I’m happy to see this now- I was there and Rebecca, you’ve helped me move forward in my journey! The gratitude I have to have worked with you… I could never put into words!!!
It’s giving me more courage to keep going! Guess I’ll check a few things off the list again after work today!! Lol
Tks Sharron!!!
Oh I just want to reach through the screen and give you a big hug Laika! You have done SO much amazing work (heart +home) and it has been an honor to witness. Congrats on your beautiful journey and may we all be inspired by your courageous inspiration. Thank you. Sending you so much love!
I’m so happy to read this! We are moving next month, and I’m trying to look at it as our “fresh start” in life
So glad this was uplifting to you Candi! And good luck with your move next month. Moving is definitely a beautiful (and also often stressful) time for a fresh start. Feel free to reach out here if you need any support from this community!